depression, according to jewels

Depression Can Suck a Fat One

*Disclaimer-this post is going to be a bit of mind dump about mental health. If it’s not your thing, that’s fine.*

If I’m being honest, I have a lot of guilt and hesitance over publicly claiming that I have depression. I do, but typically it’s so manageable that I hardly notice it. Unlike some people, mine is not a daily struggle-most of the time.

The majority of the time I go through life relatively unaffected by depression. It may show in a shortened temper, a likeliness to cry faster than most, and in my view of the world (most times it’s a conscious effort to see positives instead of negatives). Those are things that I’ve become used to adjusting for, things that I’ve done every day for so long that I do it without thinking anymore. I cope.

Just because I have found decent coping tools though doesn’t mean that I’m not depressed. I don’t suffer from depression, I live with it. Most people wouldn’t know it. Most people wouldn’t believe it. Luckily I don’t have to prove shit to you…so there’s that.

The winter is different though. I won’t go so far as to say that I have SAD (seasonal affect disorder) on top of my depression, but the shorter days and less fresh air do play a part. In general, I have a lot of anxiety and stress about the holidays. It’s a lot of social gatherings that my introverted self finds super draining. Then there’s the budget issues (as in I have a large family to shop for and no money to do that with), and of course there’s the fact that I am working like a damn slave.

Granted I want to see my family and friends and I love the work I do…and the money issues are my making. All of that just cycles around to guilt and anger directed inward. It’s a seriously unhealthy pattern and one that I have a hard time combatting when I feel mentally sluggish, unmotivated, and generally cranky.

When I’m in a full blown episode, I know it. I know full well that I’m spiraling and I fight it, I do, but it’s exhausting. Can you imagine waking up every morning and having to work for every breath instead of it being an instinct? There are times every breath hurts and I fight until I get light headed to just not take the next one. It feels so unfair that I should have to work this hard just to be, just to go through my day.

I do though, always. I fight to smile, to find joy in something small, to feel accomplished in a tiny task. Anything that can help boost me, I cling to. So right now I can say that I’m not okay. I’m having a rough time just getting through the day without breaking down. I want to cry all the time, I fight to stay awake when all I want to do is sleep. I am struggling to find the desire to write (which is one thing I know helps me and the one thing I just can’t seem to do) and my typical self motivation is failing me. I’m clinging to the good so hard I’m sure I’ll shatter that, too. I’m scared and I hate that I feel like this.

I don’t want to hate my own mind. I don’t want to feel like this anymore but it’s not as simple as somebody saying “then just be happy”. I wish it was. Jesus, I wish it was.

So I’m working on forgiving myself when I have weakness. I’m learning to not necessarily allow my depression but to stop hating myself for it. I’m putting myself first when I have to, using my no, and trying to stay healthy.

I’m not okay, at all. I’m trying though…really hard…and that’s all I can ask of myself.

giveaway, the indie chicks, discovery feed

Get Discovered

We are thrilled to announce that the launch of our new website (OMG, it’s almost here!) will also include a fantastic opportunity for bloggers to get their content seen by thousands of new readers a day. Introducing: Discover Feed – A feed of blog posts from bloggers in our Writer Network that will display on desktop and tablet versions of our website. This is a paid service, but we’re offering 5 lucky bloggers a month, FREE.

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All you have to do to win one of the 5 free spots on our feed is write a blog post outlining a short term goal and 3 milestones you can use to measure your success. This is our way of encouraging you to set goals for yourself. Writing out a plan of attack and setting milestones for yourself will help you achieve your goals. Once the article is written, publish it and then link it below in the rafflecopter giveaway.

Your post should be published prior to midnight on Friday November 14th and our winners will be chosen on Saturday, at random, by Rafflecopter. Your post needs to link back to this article, and additional entries into the contest will be awarded for tweets about the contest and following us on Twitter.

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