Just Be Honest!

Before I get to the amazing advice I have for you, please be sure to head over to Q’s blog Thank, Q to read my guest post! He asked for a little help relieving him of some blogging days and I took up the call. Be sure to check out Q on twitter so you can get reminders about his Blog Talk Radio show…which provides tons of inspiration for me and is just all around awesome. For those of you who are long time followers you may recognize it from the old blog but it’s still a great post. Head on over for a laugh. Okay…now back to the serious stuff!

I have had a lot of people talk to me lately about knowing when to cut your losses and walk away. Be it from somebody they are hitting on, a relationship (romantic or friendly), a crazy person (see last post) or from trying to talk to somebody who seems unresponsive. It seems that this isn’t just something I’ve been dealing with though. Miller has been calling me a lot with questions about the behavior of the women in his life. Yes, multiple women. It shouldn’t shock you…it is Miller after all.

Anyway, he is dating two women, one of whom has a child and lives with her baby daddy though she says they aren’t together. The other is single, younger, and lives with a male “roommate” and refuses to take Miller back to her house. Do they sound shady to you? Yeah, me too. Luckily Miller saw it too and was concerned enough to consult me.

Girl #1, aka Momma, has to schedule her times seeing him around when Baby Daddy won’t be home or when he will be there to watch the kid. I understand that being a single parent is difficult and you will have less time for a man in your life and so does he, but that isn’t the issue. She never tells Baby Daddy that she is going out with a guy though and lies to be with Miller. This is not only incredibly shady but also severely limits the amount of time she can spend with Miller. He already has a crazy schedule that limits the amount of free time he has but he does make it a priority to free up time for any woman in his life.

Girl #2, aka Youngen, is available at the drop of a hat at like 4am to meet him at a bar or club (remember he works most nights in the bars) but is never free during the day. She refuses to take Miller to her house even if it means waking insanely early, and often after very little sleep, to go let her dog out. To me it sounds like her male roommate is her boyfriend or at the very least somebody she’s sleeping with who wouldn’t appreciate another dude banging her in their house. Again, super shady behavior.

He made plans with Momma only to have them canceled (on several occasions) because Baby Daddy didn’t go out when he said he was going to  so Miller couldn’t go over to hang with her and her kid. He ran into Youngen out one night and she blew him off, barely saying hello, and then returning to a conversation with her friends. He didn’t want to throw in the towel too early but saw enough red flags in their behavior to bring it up to me. I commend him for not walking at the first sign of inconvenience but I don’t think anyone should have to tolerate being kept a secret.

So, I’ve told Miller to cut his losses and walk away from both. He listened of course because he knows what is good for him. The sad thing is all he asked is that they be honest with him and neither fessed up to their shady dealings. What is wrong with people!? In anyone’s love life all they usually ask for is honesty. I know it is one of the few things that I demand. I demand it from the Fireman, who I am well aware is engaged. I have asked it of Hockey Guy and I have asked it of men in the past. How hard is it to just say, look this is where I am, here is my situation, here is what I can offer, will that work for you?

If you aren’t exactly single be up front. If you don’t have a lot of time to offer somebody and are just looking for somebody to warm your bed now and then…well be honest about it. We’re all adults here, aren’t we? How hard is it to tell it like it is. I want a relationship. I want you to make me scream your name now and then. I want to date you and only you. I want to play the field but enjoy your company. I have other obligations that keep me from being free a lot but when I am you are the only person I am interested in seeing.

See, that wasn’t so hard was it? Dating doesn’t have to be a “game” if you don’t make it one. Cut the crap, own up to how you think/feel, communicate it, and lay the cards on the table. When did communication become a 4 letter word? It’s not a bad thing, people. The mind games, the manipulation, and the lack of truth telling I see going on straight up boggles my mind. People may not always like what you have to say if you are honest but they can at least respect you for not bullshitting them. Another opportunity to raise the bar on behaviors in the dating world presents itself to us here…take it, please.

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33 thoughts on “Just Be Honest!

  1. I think that it’s difficult for people to be honest with others because they can’t even be honest with themselves. Like, for someone who is cheating and lying about it, they are unable to admit to themselves that what they are doing is wrong so naturally they don’t want to admit it to another person. The ones who don’t lie, well, they’re not liars, but they’re arrogant assholes who know they are doing wrong but just don’t care.

    1. So true. When you are in denial or not able to look at your short comings you can’t exactly own up to them. The problem I have is that these women were doing a shit job of hiding their issues, they were pretty blatantly clear, yet they still avoided discussing them. Yes, there are arrogant assholes who feel they get to do whatever they want to people. I guess I need to write another post about people taking a good hard look in the mirror and owning up to their bullshit. :)

  2. Yep, Kat nailed it. They can’t even be honest with themselves, so admitting it to someone else would make them have to be accountable for the shit they are pulling. I know first hand how horribly wrong it goes when someone can’t be honest with themselves or me…my fireman was not a forthcoming as yours unfortunately. Great advice as always Jewels. Miller is lucky to have you in his corner!

    1. I know you understand this and that it touches a sore spot with you. I just can’t understand or respect people who won’t own up to their relationship availability. If you are free, dating, engaged, married, etc…be clear with people. Yes, my Fireman is and I appreciate that, as are other men in my life, but let’s be honest, just like you I wouldn’t really know if they hadn’t been.

      Miller is incredibly lucky but so am I because he knows it and tells me constantly. He’s great for my ego.

  3. So these gals are playing both sides of the coin? I wonder how they’d react if it happened to them. Miller deserves better. It’s a crappy spot to be in when what you are is someones dirty litte secret. You’re right. What he needs and deserves is the truth. Then he can make up his own mind about what he’s willing to deal with.

    1. Yeah, he eventually made the decision to walk away but without ever knowing if they were truly playing both sides of the coin. The women knew he was seeing other people. They knew where he was with things so I think he deserved the same in return.

  4. Yeah I have always been really easy to get along with as long as you tell the truth. Lie to me and you better walk softly in the shadows because I am not responsible for my actions.

    Daddy always said you can lie to everyone, but don’t lie to yourself.

    I love you madly, but I am no longer happy when I am with you. We need to part ways.

    Sometimes the truth is the hardest to say, but people tend to recover better and have fewer hard feelings about it.

    1. The truth is rarely easy but keeping track of all your lies can be a lot harder. In the end if they find out anyway then it’s best to have just been up front right off the bat.

  5. I agree with you, Miller’s girls were behaving like they had a lot to hide. I don’t want to be kept a secret, either. I’ve dated a couple guys that wouldn’t introduce me to friends and ran for the hills if parents were even mentioned. Cut my losses and move on. I really don’t understand people.

  6. People are selfish. If you’re really interested in someone but you’re not sngle, being forthcoming may make the new person think twice. Everyone always wants to have their cake and eat it too. That’s not always possible.

    1. No, rarely can you have your cake and eat it to, but I think the best way to accomplish that is to just be up front about your wants/needs. You never know, the other person may just be down for what it is you want as well.

  7. I am a brutally honest person. And I’m a horrible liar. If I even try to lie, complete strangers can see through it. So I don’t even try. The one time I did went horribly horribly wrong. I learned my lesson. But I never understood why ppl can’t just be honest in relationships. I mean, isn’t that the person/people your ARE supposed to be honest with? Regardless of the terms of the relationship? I just never got it. And I don’t think I ever will.

    Great advice to your friend. And I couldn’t agree more with your post.

    1. Thank you, it’s good to know I’m not alone. I can lie like a pro, which I don’t necessarily take pride in. Usually it’s not to harm but rather to just kiss ass a little lol. I prefer honesty and not everyone appreciates that…but oh well.

    1. PLEASE check it out–it’s great and I think you’d be fabulous as a guest on it! It’s an online radio show run by a blogger I follow. He’s great, the show is awesome and covers just about any topic you can think of. I’m linking to the one I called in for…Let’s Talk About Sex IV. Give it a listen…and you get to hear my sexy self. ;)

      1. tee hee! i am so looking for your sex tapes lol ;)

        just teasng ;) you sounded so great on the show, so smooth and professional. really well done, so proud of you!

        1. you won’t find any…uhhh…at least I don’t think you will. Thank you so much for giving it a listen. :) I was nervous as all get out but it was a BLAST!

  8. Yep I agree honesty is often lost when it comes to relationships some people are afraid to be honest some are just unable why because the wouldn’t know the truth if it came up and bit them on the nose…..

    1. So true. I endeavor to always be honest with myself and therefore with others. I realize that not all people do this though, in fact many prefer to live in denial. It’s not easy for me to accept in others when I work so hard to be sure that isn’t how I live.

  9. Boggles my mind too, why make life and love so complicated? Lay your cards out and you (and the other person) are more likely to get what you want. Without lies, silly games and all that other nonsense.

  10. Unfortunately, honesty and openness is not as important to people as you might think when it comes to relationships. Some people are motivated out of and take action based in fear, and fear makes you do things that are ruthless and uncanny when you’re feeling stuck or backed into a corner. It sounds like Miller’s choices of women from the early stage are more the issue… Because people will tell you exactly what is going on (or who they are) without them needing to spell it out, but unfortunately, we overlook all of those things at the start in order to give others the chance to catch up to or realize our “dream” for them… In the case of the single mom – well – enough said. She is clearly hoping to find either someone else to rescue her from her current situation – an alternate living situation… and if that doesn’t work the way she wants, she’ll be doing the same thing to the next guy (seeing him behind the current “live-in”s back). Also – any mom who is still living with the dad should be asked clearly from the beginning just how platonic it is and whether she is able to openly show her affections for other men (or at minimum, the fact that she is DATING other men)…not whether the guy KNOWS she is doing this (because this is often what these kinds of people use as a side-step from telling you what you’ve asked), but whether SHE can TELL him she is dating him… At the first squirm or flinch, Miller should be outta there, unless of course, he doesn’t mind inauthenticity or disingenuous behavior. In the case of youngen, well – didn’t the middle of the night booty calls and her need to leave immediately clue him in? And excuse me, but if someone I’ve been seeing blows me off in front of friends at a bar, that IS enough to walk away – sight unseen – because, well dammit, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO DRAWS THE LINE OF DISRESPECT IN MY WORLD – and if someone keeps encroaching on my line and what makes me feel good, and they think nothing of it in the moment – well I don’t need those kind of people in my world.

    But it’s possible Miller didn’t think he was looking for a RELATIONSHIP when he started seeing each of these chicks. Maybe he just thought they’d be fun for a night… and that might be it… but then it was fun enough he wanted to pursue more. In those cases, you have to be really aware and alert to your own self respect and the lines that people can and cannot cross, and you have to be able to present clear questions and be an excellent communicator yourself – and not second guess your abilities… then, if it’s still murky – yep – cut and run.

    1. Look at you with your lengthy and insightful comment! :) Thank you. I think both of the women started off as fun but then each displayed signs of wanting more and flip flopped. Miller is usually really good about reading women, and is a go with the flow kind of guy…whether it stayed casual or serious wasn’t an issue to him…the dishonesty was. That is where his issues began and ended. He has since walked away from both, wisely so in my opinion.

  11. So – what’s the big deal here? Is he getting sex from these chicks? Then what’s he whining about? HA! Listen – if he wants more, he’s not going to easily find it after hours at a pub or bar… or from women in less than normal situations… Sounds like he got sucked in (no pun intended) by the sex… and now he’s just thinking there might be some shadiness going on. If he doesn’t care, because he likes the sex, and he’s just musing about these incongruous things… that’s one thing. But if he is REALLY bothered, tell him to get a CLUE. The mom is looking for a SUGAR DADDY to replace her baby daddy. Only then will she cut and run from that situation – and depending on her culture, even THAT may not be easy for her… And the younger girl – well first of all – this depends on how hot Miller is. If he is no prize, then WTF is he complaining about? He has a YOUNGER HOTTER GIRL who is willing to play without STRINGS. Keep her around and at arms length just as much as she does to him!!! Then go and find some other ladies to fill some of the time slots – and the need for mature, honest communication – for those moments of need when the young one isn’t capable or available… LOL.

    If Miller is Mr. Hottie McHottlestein, then he shouldn’t be wasting his energy on either of these women – even IF he is schedule-challenged. He has to get over that fact… and stop viewing it as a PITFALL – cuz HELL, we ALL know women of all kinds – even the honest, good kind – will move mountains around to be able to spend time with their guy if he’s good… So just tell Miller to be GOOD. That will attract the right HOTTIES.

    1. lol Yes, he was getting sex from both chicks. I don’t think he was whining about the casual vs serious relationship he had with either of them and more disliking their inability to communicate what it was they wanted, expected, and could give.

      It’s strange to say this, as Miller is my cousin, but yes, Miller is hot. A gym going 6’9″ musician and business owner who runs sounds, tours with bands, and doubles as a bouncer…yeah he’s got it all wrapped up in a very nice package. He doesn’t lack for admiring females and though he’s great at relationships his schedule, the kind of women he’s around because of his job, etc…make it hard to find “nice hotties”. When push came to shove these girls went and there will be more to replace them. He doesn’t ask for much in an arrangement with a woman but I don’t think he’s asking for too much if he asks for honesty.

      Have I mentioned how much I adore you and your comments!? Cause I do! :)

  12. I tried commenting twice from my phone, but both comments disappeared into the abyss known as the Web. :(

    Thanks for filling in for me while I was on vacation. ou have some really nice comments here and I agree with most of them.

    I think you’re right when you say “it doesn’t have to be a game.” It is one, but doesn’t have to be. If people were honest in relationships (and politics), then this country would be such a better place to live.

    1. I’m sorry that my website sucked your comments into the abyss but I’m glad that you continued trying. You are more than welcome for the guest post, it was truly my pleasure. Your place is quite cozy. :)

      I agree, it is a game, but only because we continue to allow it to be and play along. You’re also right in saying we’d all be a lot better off if we all just stopped…in all aspects of our life.

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