I hear and say some of the most ridiculous and insane things. My life is a menagerie of crazy and I have decided to take some of the better ones from this past week and share them with you. I can’t promise you that they won’t be unsettling but hey…would you really expect any different from me.
“He doesn’t have a schlong he has a schlort!” A friends husband
“He sent me a picture of himself in his new jeans he just bought. It was an awkward in the mirror shot. Then he said to me ‘I’d really like to hang out with you soon.’ Dude…is he gay for me!?” Miller in a slight panic.
“Dear sweet baby Jesus, thank you!” *tear* Text from me to a friend in reference to the beauty & perfection that is Channing Tatum on SNL.
all day & all night, baby!
“I want to ride that man’s face!” again…reference to Channing Tatum. Yes, I’m feeling a bit hard up but that is what happens when you are trying to avoid men who are bad for you. Grr
“She won’t leave me alone! She’s asked me out and I’ve said I couldn’t. She’s made advanced I’ve nicely turned down. I’m working the door and she moved a stool to the door to sit next to me. What the fuck? Why is it always the ones I don’t want that want me?” Miller trying to gain sympathy from me and getting none!
“Can I have a nut? I want a light one. I don’t like dark nuts. Mommy likes dark nuts but not me…I like light ones.” Monkey in reference to cashews and almonds the other day. I had to struggle to keep a straight face on this one!
“I love boobies. I mean honestly…I have some great boobies.” I texted a friend as I was crafting and having to look past the lovely globes to do so…sometimes I just like to admire them.
“I’m struck by the overwhelming desire to remove my fingerprints; to purge my fingers of their beautiful spirals.” after a shocked response back to that text I answered, “Look, it’s not like I’m planning to commit any crimes but I’d like the option to do so without fear of being found out. I’m way too cute for jail/prison! We’ve both seen First Week In and I wouldn’t make it 12 hrs before I was somebody’s bitch!” … What can I say, I’m incredibly random at times.
“Where the fuck do I work! Somebody took a shit on the floor in the men’s room at work today! All I could think of was Dane Cook’s ‘Somebody shit on the coats!” Text from a friend about her work day. Yup..that happened!
“Know what that is, Jewels? That’s Gatorade. To get it you squeeze an alligator…then you drink it. It’s yummy.” Monkey told me when her mom brought some home for her sick brother.
This masterpiece is my belated birthday present from my friend’s husband. No, I have no affinity for mythological creatures or rainbows, but I do know why I got this gift. After moving back to NJ from Virginia, the couple moved back into his house until their home down south sold. I visited there and saw this beauty of a picture in the downstairs bathroom and commented on just how lovely it was…now it’s all mine. Wow…no words.
The other night I was reading in an attempt to tire myself into sleep and it started to make no sense at all. The book? The A Feast for Crows (4th in the George R. R. Martin Song of Ice & Fire) and it requires a bit of attention as you have to follow multiple story lines at once so the confusion didn’t surprise me. The next morning I found myself with a little bit of extra time before I had to run to work so I picked it back up. I figured out why I was so freaking confused the prior night. My beautiful hardcover suddenly skipped from page 88 on the left hand page to 121 on the right hand page. What the fuck!? Are you kidding me? I’m just magically missing 33 pages? Not ripped out…just NOT there. Awesome. Guess who has to head back to Barnes and Nobles now!? Only me.
“I do not understand, sync bluebooth, Jewels.” Siri…I swear to God she said my name with attitude (after my 7th attempt to get her to f’ing help me) and I almost bitch slapped my phone. Instead I shook it and screamed “What the hell good are you!?” She answered, “How may I help you?” Ugghhhh…she can’t!
I think I have terrified you enough with tales of random man molesting plans, phantoms poopers, and setting up the perfect crime. I shook my head a lot while writing this up and said aloud to myself, “You have issues, Jewels.” Oh well…I still crack me up. Enjoy your weekend, everyone.
Well, you certainly aren’t boring Jewels darling! Never a dull moment!
lol no, I certainly am not
LOL…
bitchslapping your phone is the ONLY solution.
jus’ sayin’
Oh, don’t get me started! She pulled something else today and I swear to you if “her” application had a face to it I’d f’ing slap the shit out of it! She pisses me the shit off!
I think I know where your friend works….
haha. It is somewhere I never would have thought people would do that…but alas I can always be proved wrong.
well life is anything but boring for you isn’t sounds like a great makings for a sitcom
I say that constantly…I’d make for much better TV than these other horrible “reality” shows.
Jewels, that episode of SNL was horrible. It had way too much Keenan What’s-his name. Didn’t every skit with Tatum involve him dancing?
I have been trying to track a package sent to me via the Post Office and those people are impossible. I wish everyone on Ebay would just use UPS or FedEx.
That was the bit of funny that I needed today. Thank you.
So glad it cheered you up!
Text sent to my friend after dropping off some laundry detergent for her to try…
“It smells really good but with no perfume. Run water first then dissolve a scoop, then add clothes. It works really good, even gets out blood and bicycle grease. Don’t ask how I know this.”
(Well, she could ask… but then I’d have to kill her.)
OH, and “Squeeze and alligator”… CRACK ME UP!
hahaha. I love random texts and scaring friends. So glad I’m not the only one that does it.
I love your random thoughts!
I think you should make these posts a weekly feature or series…maybe every Friday. 
Thanks for the hot guy picture. Don’t really need to say much more than that. lol
Love the unicorn picture!
Miller is hilarious.
WTH?! Your book was MISSING pages?! How the hell does that happen?! Wow. Now, you talk about things that make you pissy–that would have made me pissy personified.
YAY, so glad that you enjoy my randomness. I knew you’d get heated about the missing pages. It really messed with my head for a bit there.
That picture is GORGEOUS, Miller is too much, and that Unicorn is still looking for a place to hang. lol.
WTF missing pages that would really piss me off……..lol
Someone did a shit on the floor how disgusting…..
also love the picture………
Missing pages was NOT okay with me at all! Yes…in the stall…behind the toilet…close but no cigar buddy!
I remember one night at my old job, someone came back from the women’s bathroom and told us that someone had shit on the floor. One girl asked which stall and was told “the second one”, and she said, “Oh man! That’s my favorite stall! It’s been tainted!”
I never used that stall again.
Oh eww! I can’t imagine what I would do if something like that happened. I worked in daycare and that never happened…and there it’s kind of understandable!
Dear Lord, the Fire and Ice series is DEFINITELY one that cannot miss pages!
OMG, shitting on the floor?! WTF? Seriously, what the FUCK?
I’m going to have to start texting you more random shit.
OKAY! I was figured I just wasn’t following the story line correctly but suddenly Arya was with Jamie Lannister and I was VERY confused! lol.
I cannot wait for your random texts!
“He doesn’t have a schlong he has a schlort!” A friends husband
Some things a dude shouldn’t know about another dude.
lmao he was mocking his infant son.
Oh, well then, that makes sense.
He’s lucky the infant didn’t jump up and whoop his ass, though.
Because, there are some things a dude should never kid another dude about.
Even if that dude craps his pants.
Hee hee hee… fun stuff… certainly not a dully day around your place! And if someone took a shit on the mens floor, that is beyond gross…. ew…..
And as much as I enjoyed Channing Tatum’s willingness to rip off his shirt every chance he had, and his being game about playing along, that was the lamest episode of SNL this season. Bring back Melissa McCarthy!!!!
No, it certainly is never dull.
I love Melissa McCarthy and agree that Channing’s SNL was not fantastic at all…but the man still looks FINE! lol
I kind of like the dark nuts myself.
lmao as do I.
And this is why I love you
lol thank you.
Children really do say the funniest things!
They most certainly do. She makes me laugh almost every day.
You are so not alone! I say random crap all the time! Last night one of my pageant girls was complaining about the people putting together a fashion show. The girls is abnomally short, like close to little people type short, but obviously not a little person. I just blurted out well short people aren’t as smart, their little craniums can’ hold enough brains.
Brilliant Sweety! Just offend massive quantities of the populous in one moment. There are too many time there is a direct funnel from stupid to my mouth. It’s all good though.