Recently I have toyed, on and off, with the idea of having sex like a guy. Yup, I’m admitting that I wish I had the mindset that let me have one night stands with men whose names I may or may not know and know I never need to see again. Does this make me a whore? Nope, it couldn’t for several reasons. The first being I am not acting on it. The second being I am in the midst of an almost year long hiatus from sex that is purely my doing.
How did I get there you ask? Let me explain a little. I am not waiting for marriage; I’m not even waiting for Mr. Right. I have a history of men who aren’t right for me. Anyone who read my old blog knows that I have been in toxic relationships with men who couldn’t or wouldn’t make me a priority. To get right down to it, I have been the other woman a few times. When your trust in men is shattered at a young-ish age and then reaffirmed all through your adult life it isn’t easy to trust in the monogamy of relationships.
For a while there I figured the easiest, safest, and most logical thing to do was to just avoid any type of emotional connection. I quickly established some FWB’s (friends with benefits) and with those in place I went about my life while always having them there if an “itch” needed scratching. I realized pretty quickly that I was not the type of girl who could separate emotion from physical intimacy. Sure there are times where it is what it is, purely physical, but I suppose I picked the wrong “friends” because eventually we’d end up hanging out, catching a movie or dinner, and things got complicated.
For me, the no strings attached suddenly became horrible. We were friends, hanging out with the added benefit of sex, and slowly those pesky emotions started creeping in. I started thinking, “Well, we really enjoy being together in the bedroom and now I know we can hang outside of it too, so why not try for something more? Maybe I could be in a relationship with this guy!” Guess how often the guy felt the same way? Yup, never. Alright, not never, but rarely were they as excited about the idea as I was which led to a quick end to the friendship and any benefits that came with it. I had turned into “that” girl that said she could handle a purely sexual relationship but clearly could not. Is there anything worse guys? Ladies, there is nothing worse than knowing the rules and still finding you care too much anyway because there is nobody to blame but yourself.
Then, I was able to flip a switch and suddenly I was in their position, telling a guy who claimed to love me that I wanted nothing more than his presence in my bed. I was the one leaving his place directly after and heading home ignoring his pleading eyes and his, “Please stay so I can wake holding you.” I got home disgusted, showered his scent off me, and slept soundly that night. I woke up, looked in the mirror and said out loud to myself, “Who the hell are you!?” Truth is even though I had reached a point where I was emotionless about sex I hated being that person.
Right then and there I vowed that I was done with sex outside of a meaningful relationship. I stuck to it, too. Well, for the most part at least. It is really amazing what you can justify as a “meaningful relationship” when you start to miss companionship. So, back to this almost a year hiatus from sex. This is not an easy decision to make and an even harder one to stick to but I have. I know some people think it is extreme but I needed to do this for a couple different reasons.
Firstly, I had to reassure myself that I could be more than just my impulses. I also needed to restore a bit of faith in men and relationships that was viciously torn apart by all the affairs the men I knew entered into so carelessly. One of the most important reasons was to build back up my self worth, to know that I was worthy of so much more than I was settling for, and that in and of itself would have been enough. By the time I had my “breakthrough” I was at a point where I was totally removed from the act, it meant nothing anymore. I had to get away from this if I ever wanted to be in a healthy relationship.
I get a lot of questions about this decision and a lot of people are pretty dumbfounded about this “quest” of mine. I will try and answer some of the most popular ones real quick. Yes, I have had plenty of offers and opportunities but I have avoided temptation. No, I am not giving up on love or a committed relationship. Yes, I have dated in this year but just not found anyone I truly connected with enough to consider being in a relationship with so I didn’t sleep with them. No, it isn’t easy and yes I have urges. Yes I have been tempted to give it all up and go back to something more “fun” but no, I am not willing to do that right now. Plus there are other ways to have fun and still be naughty! 
Will I stay this way forever, or until marriage? No, I have no intention of doing so. I will, however, stay on my own, happily I may add, until some guy comes along who is worth me blending my time and life with.
So, for now I am an (almost) 31 year old woman who is single (no I don’t own any cats) in a self imposed sexual slump. That being said I have a great life and have gotten pretty used to my single life. The perks include but are not limited to, not dealing with a guy snoring or farting in bed, sole possession of the remote control, crying at cheesy movies/shows without ridicule, I can eat cereal for breakfast without judgment, no “whose parent’s house are we going to for (fill in the holiday)” drama, and nobody cares if I go a day too long without shaving my legs. So, you see, it isn’t all bad.
Click here for a hilarious music video I stumbled across by entering “Not having sex” into youtube. I promise it is NOT a porn I just don’t know how to put videos into these posts! Grrr!
*I’d like to point out that if you do click that site…I am still laughing about it. hehehe. silly bunny.
To realize that you needed to break that cycle of meaningless encounters in order to have a healthy relationship is huge, and I applaud you for it. Right now I’m doing the same…though I have cats….ughhhhh!
I have had many long stretches of abstinence, so I understand, love. I think my longest stretch was just short of two years which I didn’t plan, but there were a lot of reasons that sex wasn’t a priority and the most important being that I needed to figure myself out, which is kinda what you’ve been doing.
I know it kinda sucks some times, but you are most definitely worth so much more than a one night stand or a FWB thing, so just keep doing what you’re doing: being brilliant and kicking ass, sweetie.~
I can see the same problems happening in my wife’s 18 year old daughter and I applaud you as well for you seem to have learned a lot along the way. You are more important than just a toy for guys to have a few minutes of fun with. I will show this post to the 18 yr old. Thanks for your honesty.
Odie
“Ladies, there is nothing worse than knowing the rules and still finding you care too much anyway because there is nobody to blame but yourself.”
I hear that babe. Too loud and waaay too clear.
Great post Jewels… and the new site looks great!
Kelly
When I was much younger in the 70′s I had absolutely no trouble engaging in sex with strangers just for a one night stand. No problem whatsoever. Now that I’m widowed after 23 great years of marriage and had begun dating again because I needed sex I realized that I had to be attracted to them in some way which meant I was using my head and not just my body. Something changed! Maybe it’s called maturing? I don’t know but I certainly know that I have changed. You do whatever you have to do to be happy. Great post.
I think that self imposed sexual slumps are good for people. Seriously! I love my better half, he’s a great guy, but I loved the time I took off in my early 30′s from dating and sex and just was me with my own rules, time, did what I wanted, when I wanted, whenever I wanted, you get the drift.. I say you go girl and enjoy your time! It’s good for your soul!
Good for you, Jewels. I’m glad you’ve found happiness in your current situation. Everyone deserves the chance to find oneself and know what they really want out of a relationship.
I won’t even tell you how long it’s been. Probably because I’ve lost track. lol I just can’t do that unless I’m really into the guy and the relationship seems to go somewhere. But in between serious relationships, I just can’t bring myself one night stands. And now that I’m in Sticksville, there definitely NOT a lot of options as of yet. LOL
But I’m sticking with ONE cat. Seriously.
yep…
i hear ya…and raise ya a hot diggitty damn!
love the new site and love to see that the same Monica er uh jewels is still alive and well!
you as always rock my world!
I guess I am old fashioned but I can’t get my head around “friends with benefits”
I tried the whole just sex thing a couple of times, and hated it.
I need to care and respect myself and my partner before being intimate. With hubby we took it slow, I was pretty messed up from my first hubby and had a lot of trust issues.
I am happy that you are choosing to do what feels right for you.
I’m with mynx. As much as I’d like to do the ‘no strings’ thing, I have trouble separating sex and emotion.
In fact, that’s why I got married. She was the first woman that had sex with me, so it must be love, right?
Pfffffff…..
Stephanie-haha. Sorry about the whole cat thing…truth be told I’d probably have one if I wasn’t allergic.
Kat-I know you understand, sweets but it doesn’t make my nights any less lonely.
Odie-hope that it helps. I’d love to think she could avoid learning the hard way-but don’t we all in the end.
Kelly-it really is the worst when you have nobody to blame but yourself. Thanks for making your way over.
Barb-I had a little span of time where I was okay like that but I guess I didn’t use it to it’s fullest advantage. I guess I matured too fast for my libido. ooops.
Average Girl-thanks so much for the support. I think they are good for your soul too. I like getting in touch with my changing needs and think it makes me a better partner when I’m ready for the right guy or when he comes along.
Candice-thank you for the kind words.
J.Day-hahaha. I’m telling you one day a super hunky vet is going to walk into that office and sweep you off your feet…ohh or a hunky ranch hand with an ailing animal…yup…it’ll happen!
Bill-is that you? My true life Bill? YAY! You found me. Now this feels like it’s really my blog again!
Thanks so much sweets.
Mynx-I gave it a go but it just isn’t for me. There are times I wish I could do it, the lonely times where I just want some lovin but it’s just not worth it in the end. I’ll hold out and hope that it turns out to be the right decision and not a waste of time.
Brandon-Glad to hear that guys have the same issue. I thought I was a straight up weirdo with all these people around me having FWB and me just unable to make that relationship work. It’s nice to feel a bit less strange. Thanks.
Glad to see you are sticking with your resolution. Not easy but it can be done. I speak from experience.
Reckon you know where I stand on things. lol Honestly, I just don’t think a sex-only relationship ever works. Any friends I’ve had who did the sex-only thing always wound up seeing one party develop deeper feelings and it always seemed like someone ended up hurt.
I think your decision will only make you that much stronger and when you decide the time is right to be with someone intimately, it will be because it’s right FOR YOU.
DCHY-no, not easy but yes it can be done and needed to be done.
TFV-I reckon I do know where you stand it helps to know that you’ll support my decision no matter what it is. I love knowing that you want the best for me. Hugs.