While reading over at the always hilarious Working Dan’s blog I read a story his wife was sharing about being hit on, aggressively, by a man while out with her husband. When I posted tips for men about when to Throw in the Towel he commented “Yes, but how about when said man is approaching a woman who is clearly with somebody?” So, I decided to write a post about this specific breed of man/woman.
There is no denying the fact that for some men/woman seeing somebody who is already in a relationship is a turn on. Why is this? Simply, it usually implies several things:
1. They are good enough in bed to keep around.
2. They are desirable and valued by others, thereby giving them instant worth in other’s eyes.
3. They most likely aren’t too crazy, are (at the least) semi-reliable, and can communicate well enough to maintain a relationship.
Key among those points is the second one. Never underestimate the influence of being desired by others. Whether jealously, competitive spirit, wanting to possess what other’s have/want, or simply confirming in their mind that they are beautiful/handsome/sexy/desirable, being in a relationship can make you very appealing to the other sex.
There is another scenario that would make a man/woman approach somebody they can see has a significant other. This is simply, they want you. They find you attractive, interesting, and they aren’t going to let that ring, man/woman next to you, or anything else stop them from getting what they desire. Some people don’t factor in what the other person wants, only their needs factor in, and if they want you they believe they have a right to you or at the very least to attempt to pick you up.
There are a number of ways they are going to approach you and men and women differ greatly here. Women will be much more subversive in their approach. They will try to be exotic, erotic, and everything novel. They will try to exude sex, free of the worries of a mortgage, kids, car payments, or work. It’s going to be all flattery, flirting, and “My aren’t you strong/capable/handsome” and “I hope your wife/girlfriend appreciates how great you are…I know I would if you were my man.” They will do/say anything to get that guy thinking that she is worth the risk. She will stroke a man’s ego and try to be everything a stressed out wife cannot be. She’s a sneaky bitch!
Men, well, they are more straightforward in their approach. You will be guys who come up to dance with you and then the line of “I assumed that was your brother because there is no way a woman as gorgeous as you is with him.” Or they will wait until the guy leaves to approach you and inform you, “When you tire of him give me a call and I’ll show you how a real man makes love to a woman.” Hell, there are some who will come up, throw an arm around you and challenge your man to do anything about it. In general their approach will be “I’m better than your man” or a straight up “man” challenge to your guy. It will be aggressive and in your face.
Now, how do you deal with a man or woman who knows you are taken but wants you anyway? As much as you want to be nice with these people you almost have to get a little nasty. They already know they are crossing a line and they get a bit of a high off it so just smiling and saying “no thank” you won’t cut it.
For men it’s a bit easier. If you tell her you aren’t interested chances are she will back off and leave you alone. We don’t tend to be that difficult to get rid of if you don’t engage in flirting and “what if” type of conversations. If you open that door it will be hard to close it so if you aren’t interested leave that shit locked. Also, if your woman is around then you had better be sure to engage her, touch her, tell the other woman you are madly in love because she will most likely end up in a chick fight over you if you don’t assure her that you are 100% not interested in the tramp hitting on you.
For us ladies things can get tricky for a number of reasons. We are rarely as physically strong as the men hitting on us, our men tend to have short tempers and a conversation can turn to an altercation very quickly, and as discussed prior men have a hard time knowing when to call it quits and walk away. Your best option is to tell the guy very clearly that he stands no chance, assuring him that your man takes care of you better than he ever could, and then walking away or leaving the location. In the end walking away, leading your man away for some reassuring nookie, and laughing at the poor fool with your honey is the best option otherwise shit could get sketchy.
To wrap up I think we can all admit that people already in relationships have a certain appeal even if they shouldn’t. The trouble comes not from looking or wanting but in acting on that, especially around their significant others. How to deal turn away a man/woman interested in you isn’t always easy but this particular breed of aggressor is harder to dissuade. My advice is to be firm, be consistent in your refusal, remain calm, and walk away if need be. Whatever you do try and avoid a verbal or physical fight because that will usually just feed the ego of the aggressor. Good luck, friends.