Since the weekend is now upon us I have a fantastic question to pose to you…When do you go from pursuing to harassing? It is a question that I don’t think enough men ask themselves, or if they do they don’t know the answer. Have no fear because Jewels is here to help you. I’ve seen it one too many times, with myself or my friends when a guy comes up and we are not interested but the guy just isn’t catching on. I’m going to break it down for you.
Yes, we appreciate being pursued. We enjoy having you walk over to us, not with a cheesy line but just because you liked what you saw and wanted to know more about us. We like when you send over a drink and then have the balls to follow up by walking over to introduce yourself. You should definitely try to engage us if you are interested, be witty, make her laugh, compliment her but not excessively.
The problem starts when you do these things and for whatever reason the woman isn’t interested you need to know when to pack it in. We want to be pursued not harassed or stalked. It is a rare man who knows when he’s got no chance, cuts his losses, and walks away. I’m here to tell you what to look for so that you don’t go too far.
If you approach her on the dance floor and start dancing with her and she pulls a friends hand and starts dancing with them instead…walk away. If you are behind her and her friend laughs and shakes her head no then walk away (or slap the friend). If you approach from the from and then she turns her back to you so she can give her friend “Help me!” eyes then you’d probably be better off just walking away. The only time to stick around on a dance floor is when she throws an arm around you, drops it low on you, or actively engages in the dancing. Otherwise, back off, do some close solo dancing for a minute then make your exit.
Most women have no problem laughing with a friend or saying, “oh dear god help me…get him away from me!” when a man comes at them too aggressively on the dance floor. It isn’t always because we are bitches though, I’ll tell you why this is. It’s because without any introduction you are entering our personal space and touching our bodies. We don’t know you, in most cases have expressed no interest in you, and somehow you felt you had the right to come up and bang against us with your denim boner. Is it really any surprise that unless you’re smoking hot or a fantastic dance that this doesn’t work? I think not.
If you approach to talk to her, introduce yourself to her, and after saying hello she turns back to her friend and turns her body away from you well she’s probably not interested. If you notice she has an empty drink and offer to get her one and she says no, chances are you don’t have a shot with her. When she quickly opens with “I have a boyfriend” she either does or she just wants to get rid of you as swiftly as possible.
A woman who is interested will engage in a conversation with you when you open. She will most likely turn her body in her chair to face you and she will maintain eye contact. If she has an empty drink and she thinks you’re cute or interesting and you offer to get her one, she will accept. If you walk up to her and she touches her hair, face, etc while saying hello that’s a subtle body language sign that you’re not completely off base talking to her. If the woman you’ve gone up to has done none of these things then I’d bounce.
It’s not easy going up to women, I admit that. Women now have taken initiative to approach men, send drinks to men, and strike up conversations so we acknowledge that it can be hard. Rejection is never easy but hey, you don’t know them and they don’t know you. It’s a base reaction and shouldn’t be taken too personally. I’m not writing this to sound like a bitch but we will quickly turn bitchy if you push too hard
If you drool, beg, hang on our shoulder, insist on a drink, continue to attempt to push your way into a conversation, or ignore signs that the woman isn’t interested we quickly feel threatened or annoyed and the likelihood that we’ll turn to you and say, “Yo, buddy, you don’t stand a chance…move on!” gets a lot higher. Don’t be that tool. Body language and the outward appearance of general interest should be clear enough to read if you are paying attention. I beg you to pay attention.
Wins, Losses, OT Wins, Points 
can’t say a guys ever done that but then again i Lived a sheltered life and have only been in a bar/club once in my lifetime so i’m naive
not naive just lucky!
I am always so annoyed with men who don’t get it. I work in construction and I have had countless unwanted advances.
The best one was a guy I had literally said “you are married I am dating someone we can’t do anything” then months later he was at my house doing some plumbing Work because he was a plumber and grabbed me and kissed me.
Yeah Einstein that is so what I clearly wanted! UGH
Yeah, the unwanted tongue in the throat is the way to a woman’s heart. Ugh. Men. I am very nice about telling men I’m not interested but there is a point where it becomes impossible to be nice.
I think most guys could use a class on when to move on. I can honestly say that I have stuck around way too long before because I was either ignorant of the signs or too drunk to pick up on it. Since I am now engaged I am hoping those days are behind me.
Most men just can’t read the signs but I think you hit on another great point. If you are looking to meet a girl don’t get so wasted that you are swaying and totally ignorant to her annoyance at you. Then again that isn’t something you’ll have to worry about anymore!!
CONGRATULATIONS, love!
I knew it was coming but didn’t know you’d officially asked. So, SO, SO, happy for you!!!!
Great advice Jewels, this should be mandatory reading for guys in Freshman orientation.
I am the first one to appreciate that it takes some amount of courage and confidence to make the first move on a girl. Because of that, I am as gracious as can be when I am approached by a guy. I thank him if he offers a drink (which I will 99% of the time decline), introduce myself, and if there really is no chance at all, I will politely tell him to have a good night and return my attention to whoever I’m with.
It’s only on the times when after repeated polite attempts to send him on to greener pastures, that I will get not so nice. And I always warn the guy. I say “I’m trying to be as nice as possible, but you need to move on because nothing good will come of you continuing to spend time on me.”
If he still persists, then I feel completely OK with flipping the bitch switch. At that point, he asked for it.
I completely agree. If a guy comes up to me I will chat with him even if I’m not necessarily interested, but I don’t accept the drink unless there is some attraction there. I don’t turn anyone away cruelly, but there is absolutely a point where you know they just don’t get it and that being nice won’t work. Until that point though I’m not bruising any egos or sending them away embarrassed, just saying “no thank you”. What can I say? I am a sweetheart.
2 comments, ok 3.
1) YES
2) I once had a guy I had zero interest in keep pursuing at a club. A guy I knew happened to walk by and I grabbed his arm and gave him the “help!” look. He said “I got you” and planted a kiss on me right then and there. Needless to say the guy got the hint and walked away.
3) There was a time, same club, I was dancing with a friend and this decent looking guy started dancing with me. I had no issues with this. Until he picked me up and started dancing (humping?) with me against the mirrored column in the middle of the floor. Luckily my MBFF arrived and rescued me.
I’ve most definitely called on guy friends to help out and when at my “regular” bars I’ve had bartenders step in when guys really REALLY don’t get it and boot guys from the place (not at my asking but because they had been pestering others as well). I am NEVER okay with dance floor sexual aggression like that. Why do guys think that is hot? I just don’t get it. I sure as shit never gave you a “please press your hard on as painfully as possible into my back, belly, pelvis” signal! Step off.
I once had some drunk guy hitting on me, talking all about himself. Intermittently he would throw in “you’re so pretty”. My friend was off somewhere else in the bar, so no help. He was all up in my grill and the smell of alcohol on his breath was enough to make want to hurl. I had tried the “I have a boyfriend,” line and had tried to politely get away. I finally had to push him away telling him he was too fucking close. His reply? “I’m just trying to be cool.” I politely said, “I appreciate that, but you’re barking up the wrong tree.” I finally got away from him, and at the end of the night he had the balls to come find me, get in my face again, and say, “one last chance” in his drunken slur. There is no world where I am ever that desperate. I promptly took a shower when I got home.
lol the sad thing is in his head that “last chance” line was probably so sexy and mysterious. For women that is just creepy. Like you went home and regretted all night not having said yes. *shakes head* Men. I think all women have experience with the men who just don’t understand when it’s a lost cause.
This is useful information that I hopefully will never have to use, being that I am married and all. But what if a girl is dancing with her husband or boyfriend and a guy still approaches and starts dancing on her? For example, the current post on my blog in which my wife is talking about just that.
I have always been able to get the clue when a girl is not interested. It takes a real thick-headed s.o.b. to not get the signal! I am not that thick-headed guy!
I read the post your wife wrote and you’re walking away and abandoning her was so wrong! Hilarious, but wrong. lol.
I think it takes a special kind of aggressive/stupid guy to approach a woman who is clearly there with another man. I’ve had it happen once and it was when he went to the restroom and the guy came onto the dance floor to grind on me and say “I’ve been watching you and I can tell from the way he dances that he isn’t pleasing you in bed. I could.” Um…okay, buddy, WHAT!? The guy came back and was less than thrilled to see my shocked face and me trying to exit his clawing grip. Luckily cooler heads prevailed but some men just see something they want and don’t care who/what is in the way…they go for it.
I’m sure that you helped a lot of guys get the hint. Most of us haven’t a clue when we are striking out.
It’s not that difficult to get but some men just really don’t understand. I do what I can to help you guys, Q, I really do.
Still? They’re still doing this??? I worked in a bar in my early 20′s. Same shit happened then. May I add a few more?
1. Boys, if you vomit and then want to talk to us, please wipe the puke off your mouth FIRST!
2. The drunken hug/boob rub could get your tongue pulled out by the roots.
3. “Does the carpet match the drapes?” or any variation of such clever come ons gets the chastity belt slammed on and locked.
Fellas, drunk or not, the other folks in the bar are strangers!!! Try saying, oh I dunno, “Hello” before anything else!
I had almost forgotten that some men behave like that at clubs. Ugh. I’ve been happily married for some time now and don’t do the club scene anymore. But that’s mostly because the booze is cheaper when I drink it at home.
lol Booze it always cheaper at home but as a single lady the chances of meeting a nice guy are a lot slimmer.
Now all women and men with a working brain know these things they are just commen sense but so many men have grog brain when they are out and as such their brain interpretes things differently such as when you turn your back on them they think you want them reach around you and grop boobs which is not the case ever when you grap your friends hand they think that means a threesom also not the case if you say you have a boyfriend they take that to mean also you want a threesome get the picture grog brain really screws them up……………lol
haha I love it. “grab a friends hand they think that means a threesome also not the case if you say you have a boyfriend they take that to mean also you want a threesome.” So true. The “I have a boyfriend” doesn’t work. 1. why lie. 2. they know it’s a lie because chances are there is another guy there you are eyeing and they’ll be watching for that. 3. most guys drunkenly hitting on a woman at a bar with that kind of persistence just want to get their dick wet and you having a boyfriend won’t stop them in their pursuit.
Ugh…this brings back some not so pleasant memories!
Whenever my girlfriends and I would go out, seemed like the ONLY guys that would hit on me were the ones who only wanted a one night stand. Pul-leeze!! Don’t hit on the least prettiest girl in the group and expect her to gratefully accommodate you just because you directed your attention upon her!!
That is a technique that a lot of men use and sadly it will often work because that is usually the woman with the lowest self esteem. They can sniff out that woman pretty quickly and then it’s like a hunter/prey scenario…she never stood a chance. It’s sad really. Yeah…it’s a pretty sad state of affairs out there.
I can proudly say that while my self-esteem may have been low at times I wasn’t dumb enough to fall for it. Us wallflowers do have standards too, you know.
Hell yes we do! Not to mention we are typically the smartest of the bunch. lol. Poor misguided men.
I have always been accused of the opposite. I would pursue too slowly and have the woman come back and say “hey, are you into me or not?!!”
It’s not that I am not interested, it’s more a matter of me not wanting to appear too needy or stalk-ish. A good friend of mine is one of those who falls hard and fast, smothering new girlfriends with attention. I’ve seen this backfire on him time after time, which probably has caused me to take it to the other extreme.
Having an extreme friend like that and watching him flounder and embarrass himself is bound to make you lean towards the other extreme. I have female friends that throw themselves at guys and then fall in “love” immediately and I know I have definitely made sure that is NOT how I behave because it is disturbing to watch them do that.
I think there is something to be said for holding back a bit and letting the woman come the other 20%. Women aren’t stupid, we can usually tell if you are interested.
Any advice for us guys on the flip side of that? How do you have a chick get the hint that just doesn’t seem to get it?
Tune in tomorrow for my advice.
I’m very lucky because I’ve so mastered the this-chick-is-one-of-guys vibe that I’ve never been hit on when I’m out.
Now, while looking like a dirtbag and going into the gym, that’s another story…
When I am out with a group of guys I still get hit on but less so then when I’m with a group of girls. If I’m with Miller forget about it…lol nobody comes up to you when you are with a dude that large. He’s a single girls nightmare…well at least mine-he’s other single women’s dream. *cringe* moving on.
I think it’s something to do with knowing you keep yourself in shape and imagining you getting a different kind of workout that gets them going.
At least that’s what I’d assume.
Excellent post. Most guys are either WAY too aggressive or way too passive. Very few in the middle.
For TheKrayze1 – how to get a chick to get the hint? a) don’t call her a chick and b) just bloody tell her. Why hint?
There are very few in the middle which is where I’d prefer them to be. I enjoy an assertive man but that doesn’t mean I appreciate un-encouraged aggressive advances.
LOL I answer TheKrayze1 tomorrow in my post-stay tuned.
i’ve heard that from afar, i look like a total bitch. unapproachable. stuck up.
when you get in close, you realize you were right. heh heh.
Darling, they should all beware of your epic amazingness.
lol! This makes me think of all the times that I have tried to get guys to understand I wasn’t interested but they just wouldn’t quit! Lately however I haven’t had the same troubles. Maybe it’s because I literally have NO time to “fuck around” and I completely ignore those I see no potential… great post love!
Men and women both have problems taking a hint but this goes beyond persistent and goes straight to restraining order.